Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) for Couples
Intimacy From the Inside Out, known as IFIO, is a couples therapy model of psychotherapy developed by Toni Herbine-Blank in the early 2000s. It is primarily based on the transformative evidence-based Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s (see above). Like IFS, IFIO is based on the concept that all of us have various “parts” within us, just as we are familiar with thinking that “part of me feels one way and part of me feels another.” Central to this internal “family” of parts is a calm and compassionate core “self” within each of us that inherently possesses many important leadership qualities such as compassion, confidence, courage, and clarity.
Our individual internal parts have valuable and important qualities. However, sometimes our life experiences, including previous relationships of all kinds, can lead some of our parts to act in extreme or even destructive ways in a valiant attempt to help us navigate life. The parts do not trust the “self” to protect us and, ironically, the parts end up hurting us more than helping. In particular, these behaviors have adverse effects on our relationships, especially our intimate couple relationships.
Often, partners in a relationship see being understood and being loved as mutually exclusive – they believe that if they are fully understood they will be unlovable. But, with the help that IFIO can provide, they can learn that they can indeed be both understood and loved. IFIO encourages compassion and courage in a couples relationship in order to help the individuals in the couple bring safety and connection to their communication, thereby permitting them to feel safe enough to deeply connect with and express needs to the partner. The IFIO therapist works with each individual’s parts to help understand how previous hurt, most often dating back to childhood, affects the current couple relationship. Through IFIO, the therapist helps each partner to be able to focus inside, and for the partners to speak to each other from a different place – the calm, compassionate, and courageous self within each of us. In IFS terms, the individuals learn how speaking on behalf of their protective and hurt internal “parts” leads to entirely different responses from the partner. Partners learn an entirely new way of communication, becoming able to compassionately listen to and share with one another, even in times of stress and difficulty.
In doing this, the individuals gain compassion and understanding, both for themselves and for each other, helping to heal their relationship. They then achieve their goals of love and safety within the relationship, developing a true intimate connection and a deep understanding of one another.
To learn more about IFIO, visit the IFIO website at https://www.toniherbineblank.com.